Originally published on Everyday Feminism |
Featured Image Source: Soman/Wikimedia Commons
“I don’t need female empowerment, because I’m not weak!”
“I’m not a feminist because I don’t hate men.”
“I don’t need feminism. I actually like cooking for my husband.”
I used to agree with a lot of statements like this. I thought feminists were only doing harm to themselves and others, and I proudly proclaimed that I was not a feminist.
What changed my mind was learning that a lot of what I thought feminists believed was false – including the idea that gender oppression only affects women. Some of it was just myth, things that anti-feminists said feminists believed. Some of it was taking the words of one or two feminists and assuming they spoke for the whole.
Nobody can speak for all of feminism, including me – and I especially can’t speak for how a/gender minorities besides cis women experience feminism. But I did learn over time, through getting to know more people who identified as feminists, that the things I thought were basic and fundamental to feminism were exaggerations, or belonged only to some more fringe groups.
One of the biggest misconceptions about feminism is that it’s a movement for women, by women, and made up of women in opposition of men. In truth, not only should feminism benefit everyone, as it works to dismantle all systems of oppression, but it shouldn’t be based on this binary gender thinking in the first place. Not only men and women exist, and they’re not opposites in a binary.
But a lot of the ways in which anti-feminists conceptualise feminism is based on this untruth about women versus men. And in order to address those specific misconceptions, I’m going to speak from that place. Non-binary people may recognise themselves in these experiences as well, but those experiences (especially insofar as erasure is concerned) are unique, and I’m not qualified to speak on them.
I’m not here to say that all women should call themselves feminist. There are good reasons not to, including the ways feminism has failed to be intersectional and meet the needs of people of colour, trans and gender non-conforming people, and others.
But if you are anti-feminist and agree with some of the quotes that I started this article with, I’d ask you to read on and consider that the truth about feminism might be more complicated.
1. ‘Feminists Are Just Playing the Victim’
“Sure, sexism used to be a problem. But now women have reached equality: We can vote, we have the same access to jobs and education as men, we’re allowed to dress how we want and are considered equal partners in relationships. Western feminists are just whining, nit-picking, and enjoying feeling victimized instead of appreciating the freedoms we have.”
There’s a lot of truth in this argument: Women have come a long way, baby.
As a woman, I’d rather live here and now than almost any other point in history. And I’m not denying the struggles that many girls and women around the world face, or claiming that mine are equal to theirs.
But it’s not true to say that sexism is dead. We may have slain the giant dragon of institutional sexism, which insisted that women fill an inferior role in the world, but there is still a hornet’s nest of sexist culture that lives on.
And while I’d rather be stung by a dozen hornets than be eaten by a dragon, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a right to complain about the stings.
When I’m in a professional meeting with men, I often have to fight to get my voice heard – and if I talk as much or as confidently as the men do, I may get labeled “bossy” or “shrill.” When I leave the house, strangers feel free to comment on my body, which makes me feel unsafe and exposed. Men I meet tend to evaluate me first as a sexual object, and only second (or never) as a competent or interesting human.
These things make a difference.
They don’t make it impossible for me to have a good job, to go about my day, and to have the kinds of relationships I want, but they do make it harder. Any one thing by itself would be no big deal, but in time they add up.
Just like you can brush off one hornet sting, but if you got stung every day, multiple times a day, all over your body, you might start to get really, really bothered by it.
Now, when I talk about the ways sexism hurts me, I’m not whining or making things up. I don’t think of myself as a victim, and I don’t actually enjoy complaining. I’m also not saying I’m not glad I have the freedom to vote, to apply for any job I want, and to be viewed as a full legal human.
I’m just saying that I’m still hurt by sexism, and that I want the world to be better for myself and other women.
2. ‘Feminism Says Women Are Weak’
“Women may have a few obstacles that men don’t, but feminism actually insults women by acting like they’re not able to overcome those obstacles. It encourages women to be sensitive and thin-skinned instead of being tough and going after their goals. Women don’t need feminism. We’re strong enough to succeed on our own.”
It’s true that some women are capable of overcoming every obstacle that sexism puts in their way. We have women heading up corporations, pioneering scientific discoveries, and this past election, a woman came incredibly close to being elected the next president of the United States.
Powerful, successful women like Oprah Winfrey, Sally Ride, and Melinda Gates prove that women can do anything men can, even with the added burden of institutional sexism.
But the strength of these women, while I admire and celebrate it, shows off a part of the problem.
Women can achieve just about every success men can, but they have to be stronger, tougher, and usually more qualified than their male counterparts. They need to be thick-skinned enough to shrug off harassment. They need to walk a fine line of being assertive without being judged “bossy” or “bitchy.”
Among CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, for the last several years, between 20 and 25 have been women – around 4-4.5%. Those 20+ women are impressive, and their achievement shouldn’t be underrated, but that percentage is discouraging.
Less than 5% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women: If that doesn’t show that sexism is still making it harder for women to reach the top of their field, what does it show? I simply don’t believe that men are, on average, 19 times better at corporate leadership skills than women.
Similarly, many women in scientific fields have talked about the barriers that keep them from advancing, and often that keep them from staying in the field at all.
Sexual harassment is a huge problem in the academic world and causes many women to leave promising careers because they can’t handle the dehumanisation and because their work is taken less seriously than their sexual potential. Many women stay in STEM fields anyway and achieve great things, but many other women, just as capable, have to leave.
Feminism doesn’t say that women are weak: It just says that, to succeed in any given field, women shouldn’t have to be so much stronger than the men they’re working with.
3. ‘Feminists Hate Men’
“Feminists treat men like they’re the enemy: They say all men are rapists and misogynists, just trying to keep women down. Feminists aren’t content with gender equality. They want to put women in power and oppress men, just like women used to be oppressed.”
I admit that I often feel frustrated with “men” in the abstract these days. Having been harassed, belittled, and taken advantage of by so many men, I am a little wary when meeting a man I don’t know.
However, there are also a lot of men I love, respect, and trust. I don’t hate “men,” as such – I hate toxic masculinity.
Toxic masculinity is the set of rules and expectations we have for male behaviour – including how men are supposed to treat and think about women. Toxic masculinity is what tells men it’s not okay to cry, and it is okay to catcall women. Toxic masculinity is what tells a man that his worth is in gaining power over others and that it is shameful to have a woman beat him at anything.
Men are pressured to be high achievers and always competing with each other, which creates stress. The expectation that they will always appear powerful and in control makes it hard for men to ask for help. They’re shamed and ridiculed for stepping outside the bounds of “acceptable” masculine behaviour.
All of this makes it harder for men to get through the world.
Feminists don’t want to destroy or oppress men: They want to destroy toxic masculinity, to let people of all genders see how damaging it is to all of us.
4. ‘Feminism Means Rejecting Traditional Gender Roles’
“Feminism is for women who want careers, who don’t like makeup and shopping, who want to be the boss in their relationships. Women who like being homemakers, being traditionally feminine, and having their partners take the lead don’t need feminism – and feminism often looks down on those women.”
It’s true that feminist movements tend to be headed by people who don’t feel the status quo suits them. It’s also true that some feminists look down on conventional ways of being feminine – and that’s a problem.
There’s a thing we call “femmephobia,” which is the attitude that anything traditionally associated with women is inferior.
It’s the reason keeping up a home and taking care of children isn’t viewed as a “real job.” It’s the reason books, movies, and music that tend to be enjoyed more by women are seen as fluff.
People all over the gender and political spectrums can fall into femmephobia. Sometimes feminists do a good job of questioning why “girl stuff” is considered less valuable and worthwhile, and sometimes we fall into the trap of looking down on it.
What’s important to me, as a feminist, is not steering clear of traditional femininity. It’s getting rid of the assumption that women should be feminine and men should be masculine.
There are definitely some people that do fit very comfortably into the roles their culture put them in, and that’s great for them! Obviously, there are also plenty of people who don’t.
Housekeeping and childrearing are skills just like any other, and some people – of any gender – find that work interesting and rewarding (I’m one of them!).
I want to see a world where those skills are considered valuable for anyone who wants to pursue them. I also want to see a world where makeup, fashion, and beauty are respected as the arts they are.
Even submissive or “follower” relationship roles, which might seem at first glance to be obviously an inferior position, aren’t necessarily so. Many people feel happiest and most comfortable playing first mate to someone else’s captain, and doing that well is a relationship skill all its own.
I’d like to see a world where people are free to find the balance of leader/follower dynamics that work best for them, whatever their gender.
Feminism isn’t about flipping the script of gender roles, where women are powerful and in charge and men are submissive. Feminism is about increasing the freedom we all have to find the roles that fit us best.
Feminism is… Source: KylaBorg/Flickr
Changing my view of what feminism meant was a little scary for me – it was comforting to tell myself that women had achieved equality, and that any issues I might experience with sexism were just isolated, one-off events.
Eventually it became clear to me that that just wasn’t true. All the little moments of sexism I experienced were connected, and other women faced more intense and constant discrimination that came from the same source.
We still had a steeper hill to climb than men – and while I didn’t want to believe that at first, in the end, I found it a source of strength.
I don’t like or agree with every feminist, but I find strength in the fact that we have experienced some of the same struggles, and are still working and succeeding. When I get tired and frustrated, there’s a whole community of other feminists to support and encourage me.
Most importantly, I find strength in knowing we’re committed to making the world a better, easier place for each other and the women that come after us.
Author bio: Ginny Brown is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism, as well as a speaker and educator specializing in sexuality and relationships. She writes for various publications and has her own blog here. She lives in the Philadelphia area with her poly family and three cats. Follow her on Twitter @lirelyn.
Its a really good artical talking about the things that really matter.
Thank you.
I am a feminist , but I don’t hate men , see , I want to have a successful career I don’t want people to tell me what I can’t do and what I can , I don’t want people to judge me by my looks , i just want that people are equal so they respect each other , other feminists calling out men for rapists is not helping in my opinion , anyways if you read this whole things thanks for listening .
Trigger Warnings: Misogyny, Hate speech
I used to say I’m a feminist. Current social media mostly focuses on extremism. So man hating blockheads that claim to be feminists will rise to the top. Since they are women, they get a free pass to spread devision via hate and missinformation. The issue is not enough female feminists call out man haters. If they do call them out and try to have a reasonable debate, they are treated as a sexist sympathiser or lesser because they all the sudden are labeled as representing the enemy. Current feminism behaves like a cult. I hate cults.
Thank you for this write-up! You’ve articulated many of my thoughts and sentiments perfectly. I wish more people would realise that all we really ask for is that both genders be accorded the same level of respect – not for men to look down on women, and not for women to hate on men.
Anyway, hope anyone who sees this has a lovely day. 🙂
TW: misogyny
this is a great article!
I had an argument with a feminist over a meme I posted and when she started the argument I simply asked her to leave my comments and ignore if i offended her because she was putting another woman down with her feminism and another feminist joined to support her and they were harassing me in the comments and tell ing me to educate myself LOL im not even 18 and I have 0 intrest in learning about feminism and those two women posts nudes sometimes saying it’s art which is abit disturbing because if my family goes through my phone they will see them and they’re old married and have children my age and they’ve done degrees and harassing me for not keeping up with them
I’m a female and I completely understand the view point of the article but I can’t relate. I feel as though women, talking from experience bc I know a lot of females at my school, constantly try to have any excuse to make them innocent or not at fault. **This is my opinion please don’t get offended** At one point in my life I felt disgusted even being around other women. I found that it was not all women, as I still liked my step-family, female friends, and female teachers (most). I don’t feel comfortable around stereotypical women, as much as everybody says that they are their own people and they don’t act like other girls, I still find too many similarities. ((this part didn’t make a lot of sense because of the topic of the article, but what I was saying that people acting feminine sometimes repulses me.)) – Something I only noticed more recently is that nobody pays attention to sexism towards men. If women hate on men almost nobody will point them out, but if a man says a single thing about a women the planet turns against him. Some other stereotypes can be that all men are sexist, or rapist, or immature, or child predators, etc. —–I’m going to stop writing now (sorry for grammatical errors and to the reader that had to listen to me rant.)—Not exactly sure what the point of this comment was, I guess I just needed to express what I am not able to talk to friends or family about. –Sorry if you actually read all that.
I think what the person called ” I am a female, sorry I don’t agree.” meant to say was that they didn’t feel sexism towards women was the only problem and that they understand there are problems with sexism but anti-feminist ARE NOT bad people because they don’t like strong senses of femininity. Its stereotypical. Some anti-feminists are cruel and treat women differently, but many are not and might get upset that the wording of this article makes them seem like “bitches” or “mean people”.
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Sorry I was trying to make sense of what “I am a female, sorry i don’t agree” said…… I’m pretty sure that’s what they meant. They also said they just needed to “express what i am not able to talk about” which I think they meant that it wasn’t supposed to be taken offensively…
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY- also author your article is good :> it was fun seeing other peoples views on the topic.
You, the write of the article, seem to be entirely sure that every bit of a man’s behavior is a cultural product; at least that’s what you wrote came across as. Men and women evolved in a certain way for survival, and have behaved that way for hundreds of thousand of years. What you seem to want is to get rid of any biological trait that makes men be men and women be women. You want men to stop looking at you first as a sexual object/potential partner when throughout human history a woman’s role has been reproduction and childrearing. Good luck trying to get rid of a biologically ingrained behavior in your short lifespan. You might as well try to get lions and many other mammals to stop fighting for females.
Sure, humans are different in that they can reason and therefore can make a conscious decision to stop behaving a certain way, but this is wishful thinking. The ideal world of feminists will never come to pass, you’ll never reach everyone because you can’t undo in a century or two the very fabric of biology that has dictated human behavior since the beginning. You can find info on how productivity skyrockets in offices when women aren’t around or how a workplace full of women is nothing but a gossip/catfight-filled snake pit with very low productivity.
Gender roles and the social frowning of female promiscuity weren’t there for the sake of it and because ”bad men wanted to oppress women”.
In any case, it doesn’t matter whether feminazis have destroyed the ”good” imagine feminists used to have. The truth is that cultural Marxism, this insane urge to challenge every bit of social behavior and try to change everything is going to inevitably lead to the total collapse of Western civilizations. Modern men and women in general don’t seem to want to listen to each other. Maybe an actual war to break women out of their comfort zone would sober them up real quick. Humans derive a lot of meaning from suffering after all.
Definitely some great points you have there. I think some women may hate the more extreme parts of so called feminism, but I don’t think there are women who hate women…unless they are crazy
Disclaimer: I’m not talking about all men
That doesn’t mean they should get to catcall you. They look at you as sexual objects for their own pleasure. They should be able to learn self control at this point and not purposely make women uncomfortable if they’re literally just walking by in a sweatshirt.
Feminist is soon to be over, it is also a wrong term. Feminist should be feminine in attitude but this corrupt ladies always changing terms and made own dictionary.
This Feminist is like a cult, Godless people who believe that God is only a religion. This is how man is hypocrite being, we allow women to have more what they called freedom then these women try to over take something what man created. Seems these women are fatherless, why won’t these women start to build their own country, build their own process , why do they start on a mans land foundations.
Why they don’t start a laundry company and hire women, seems feminism is created by ENVY and they want just to get in. They lost their gender, and it is not just about gender what they fight. They fight for money, material , power, position and language and all what world can offer and played innocent of global warming .
This kind of a cult of selfpity and insecurities, who wants to show cleavages, pussies, panties, legs and rage are shown in public and for children. They fight for something in exchange of bad habits and bad habit was a term of freedom, selfish and greed.
Men should offer jobs to these women at logging, mining, fishing, farming to these kind of ladies.
In reality, FEMINISM EXIST ONLY IN CITIES, they can’t live on a place where no body will feed them , they live where there’s a lot of real men and real women deliver food to cities and bought them with money.
There is no real equality, even white and black can’t be equal cause they are different. Even a Chinese and a Taiwanese hate each other. Even south and north Korean fight each other.
A country with more real men will stand better than the other country with weak men. Feminism will cost a country weakness and when real world broke and war began, they begin to disappear. They began to disappear on pandemic. Their gender equality is useless, it has no real power, they just a piece of paper written and declare to be a law. A law that don’t last long. A law that is useless for loving one another, a law of selfishness and term used is rights. A change that you though will be forever, a change that you think is good. A change that will cost your country, your home, your birthplace will fall.
I’m a feminist and I totally disagree with the points that have been put forward by the writer.
First of all, we support feminism not because we think we are weak, but because there are many areas where women are not getting equal opportunity men. We speak for the women who face denial of education and opportunities just because they are expected to just raise children and do household chores.
Secondly, please understand that feminism is not some sort of anti-men program. We don’t talk about women becoming more powerful than men. We talk about equality between both the genders. So please take this myth out of your head that feminism is only about women empowerment.
We don’t hate men…. Dude……. Talking about equal opportunities doesn’t mean that we hate ay section of men. We are not going out on the streets and kill men.
I totally agree that women have come a long way now. They are proving themselves in every field. But, there are still areas where women are not getting equal opportunities. We have improved a little bit, but we can’t let that improvement stop us in improving further. There are countries that still faces discrimination against women.
Talking about the traditional gender roles…… Then dude…….. These traditional gender roles can’t stop us in developing ourselves further. Women raise children. Yes they do… That doesn’t mean their role ends here. Let them discover themselves.
Many points of this article I agree with, but what turns me off of feminism isn’t these things, so much as the hypocrisy behind modern, self-proclaimed “feminists”. I go to what is notorious for being “the most liberal liberal arts university in Atlantic Canada”, with plenty of “feminist” students. They find “don’t drop the soap” jokes about men being sexually assaulted funny. They’ll talk about how they wanted to “tie down David Bowie and bang him” when they saw him wearing tight pants in Labyrinth. They’ll stare at a guy on the street and whistle at him, telling him in front of everyone that he has a “cute ass”. One such girl in my class poked a hole in a condom once because she wanted to get pregnant by her boyfriend without him knowing. These are the behaviours that, if men did them, would earn them the title of “sleazy, sexist pig”, or worse (rightly so). So, why is it okay when women do it, particularly women who claim politically to stand for feminism? I mean, we’re always told over and over that feminism isn’t really about hating men, it’s about gender equality. That’s fine, but not when there’s obviously such a strong double standard. Not when male-on-male sexual abuse, domestic violence against men and men getting sexually assaulted still aren’t taken as seriously based on old stereotypes. Not when it’s okay to cat-call a guy on the street, but not a woman. Not when prison rape jokes are considered amusing. Not when it’s “pervy” to talk about a celebrity’s body if they’re a woman, but perfectly acceptable if it’s a man. I choose to distance myself from feminism on purpose because of the negative political connotations that feminism has become associated with in recent years: hypocrisy, militant right-fighting, radical extremism, socialism and rampant overanalysis to the point where you’re not supposed to even enjoy a fiction book anymore if it doesn’t qualify according to the Bechdel Test, and if you don’t personally like wearing crop tops or yoga pants, you’re “internally projecting sexist thoughts” even if you just hate the fashion trend and it’s the middle of whiteout January. I’ve been told by a self-proclaimed feminist in my class that, as a woman, I shouldn’t be listening to the song “Take It Easy” by The Eagles because apparently it’s misogynistic. I don’t need or want to be treated like a child, and I don’t appreciate others telling me what I should and shouldn’t think, enjoy, feel and believe. I also don’t like labels. I think we’re too quick these days to label the behaviour of others and trying to correct society on it rather than just live and let live. People are SO angry these days, angry and hateful and grappling for victimhood where, honestly, sometimes it isn’t warranted. Sometimes it’s definitely warranted, such as workplace inequality – other times, when it’s a complaint that a man is “manspreading”, or it’s a complaint that a man is wearing a skirt in public, I have to wonder who the real oppressor is in that situation. I don’t pretend to speak for all women who choose not to identify as a feminist, I’m just saying that people have only become more miserable the more complicated feminism has become. Nowadays we’re walking on eggshells, hoping to be the “right” kind of woman and being made to feel like there’s something wrong with us if we don’t find a guy holding the door open for us offensive (I always thought holding the door open for anybody regardless of gender was just common courtesy, apparently now it’s an insult to female abilities), or if we find menstruation off-putting and unpleasant rather than some bizarre form of female “mother nature” power or whatever the latest thing is. I mean, who decides what’s bad for women and what isn’t? Who gets to draw the lines and raise the flags and wave the protest signs, and who gets to say it’s bad if some women don’t agree? It’s all so convoluted and difficult to follow, so I just gave up – and honestly, I’m a lot better off for it. Life is way too short.
TW: hate speech and name calling
Feminism is the real excellent reason why so many of us men are still single today, now that most of these women are such very horrible creatures more than ever since they just don’t have any manners and personality at all when it comes to many of us men looking for love.
I think feminism has one area where womens views have completely been ignored . when the womens rights movement of the 60s came amd went they NEVER thought about the women of lower income of ALL races and colors. Most women who were in the movement I mentioned were college and elitist types that used to be into this movement are lucky to have it those of us that must clean toilets for a living kinda got screwed. I would have loved to stay at home with my son whos father ran out in him to start another family. But thanks to this movement 2 of the parents must work. Men treat us much worse than ive EVER saw my grandmothers treated. And they were treated like ladies. We are treated like trash. For 1000 of years women did womanly things that were not considered less than…it was only after the renaissance women were put into this weaker state.
Thank you for sharing about 4 reasons anti feminist women hate feminism and what theyre missing with us, these will be really helpful to many.. I love reading this blog; it talks so much about planning a great idea about it. Keep sharing such informative articles in future, will be appreciated.
Thank you to the author for point 4. I am saddened by our culture’s obsession with paid work. We sell our labour in a market and so much of our interaction is transactional.
I have always thought that feminism is centred around getting women into this alienating workplace. It is great to see a feminist taking a different stance – that caring is just as important as wage-earning, and women should not feel that liberation requires career obsession.
Feminism should not require women to take on the traditional role of men. It should be up to everybody to choose the role that works for them.
@Holly Gonightly, amazing comment, thank you.
The writer referred to the need for an “intersectional feminism”
“Intersectional feminism is a form of feminism that stands for the rights and empowerment of all women, and through women, all people, with appropriate consideration given to the facts of differences among women, including differences in feminist identity arising from or based on radicalization, sexuality and sexual orientation, ethnicity, socio-economic status, nationality, religion, and language.”
There are so many different approaches to feminism it can’t be accurately said that
“current feminism behaves like a cult”
There’s not enough homogeneity among people who call themselves feminists to make such a broad generalization.
The writer above points out the problem. A small vocal minority on social media claiming to be feminists are muddying the waters for everyone about what feminism actually is. Feminism supports the equal personhood of all people regardless of gender.
But just like the Black Lives Matter movement reflects that while all lives matter not all lives are at equal risk, feminism recognizes that while recognition of the full personhood of people of all genders matters, the recognition of the full personhood of people of all genders is not at equal risk.
I hear women say that they want equality but I don’t think they really do nor do I think they could handle it. In one area in particular which is parenting (family court involving visitation and custody issues). Courts automatically give women custody (which is part of the problem and women have no problem with this yet complain about only being seen as mothers). From working in the courts if true equally really existed there would be a lot of women who would not be custodial parents; then women would not want equality. Yes I am a minority woman. I am not a fan of feminism because it doesn’t represent or support ALL women, Its a movement that benefits Heterosexual white women.